Good day my fellow wishers and dreamers. Today over at Jamie Ridler's Studio the wish prompt is: "What do you wish to know?"
What I wish to know is that I will come out of this funk I seem to have been in for the last few years. I feel like I have been in some holding pattern for awhile and I am filled with anxiety and agitation about it. I feel like I am on pause waiting for the play button to be pushed.
A few years ago there were many deaths in my family,2 favorite Aunts, my Dad and my Father in Law, all with different cancers. I was involved in caretaking with most of them, I think it took something out of me and I am trying to find the missing piece of myself. You almost have to go on auto pilot to experience that kind of a situation, I mean when you are watching a loved one slowly die it does something to you.
I was actually present at 2 of the death moments and they were not new agey fluffy bunnies white light moments, atually they were quite raw, I am sorry to say. Now that may have been my fear not allowing me to see the beauty or peace of it, but I know they were both ready to go and for that we were relieved and prayed for it.
Anyway...before that I had always been the one people went to, the shoulder to lean on and it was like that with my relationship with my parents also. I always felt more like I was the together one and tried to make peace and keep drama at bay.
Then throw in my husband of 15 years doubting his love for me, he loves me but does not know if he is "in love" with me, well let's just say it has been a rough couple of years emotionally.
I think those years with the deaths did something to me and couple that with some childhood traumas and I feel wrung out.
Now when people want to talk to me or someone is ill, I go into distraction mode, I can't connect to my empathy and compassion because It hurts too much. I want to know that I will be able to find that connection to myself and others again.
I want to know that I just need to make the decision to hit the play button of my life and I will move again and live again. I long to feel joy again, I have no problem feeling fear and anxiety, those live right under the surface and are always willing to come out.
I WANT TO KNOW that I will connect to the joy and love my life once was. I put a picture of my puppy Bella today because she makes me sense the joy is there waiting, just look at that smiley face.
Thanks for listening, I feel like this post is a little rambly and disjointed but it is what it is.
What are you wishing to know today my fellow dreamers.
Namaste,
KAren
21 comments:
I am wishing that you find the happiness and joy you very much deserve.
Love and support from a fellow sparkly!
Sondra
I see something changing in you. At the start of your post you were waiting for "someone" to push the play button. By the end you saw yourself pushing that button. That is a giant step forward!!!
You have given a lot, now it´s time to replenish your well and smile again. :)
What Karen wishes for herself, I wish for her also.
As Karen wishes for herself, I wish for her also.
to find that connection to myself and others again.
Karen the grieving process takes a long time and in your case you must allow yourself permission to feel the emotions, trying in any way to avoid that just delays the progress. The pain and anger should eventually give way to acceptance and peace. A change is in your hands only, no one can push that 'play' button for you. Two great quotes came to mind when reading your post..."If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are going." (Lao Tzu) and "When life knocks you to your knees remember, you're in the perfect position to pray." We cannot expect God to do a new thing if we keep doing everything the same old way.
As Karen wishes for herself, I wish for her as well.
Its good that you release all that on wishcast wednsday , you need to take up art journaling and get all that out on painting and pictures . you need to set yourself free . I was in a funk for 4yrs and art journaling helped me , heres a link of a video I did to get an idea.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5ye1BjkZTPE
As you wish for yourself, I wish for you also .
Karen, In a 5 year span my husband & lost 7 relatives and our beloved dog. The death of my sister and father(not a hospice brochure death either) has changed me forever. Throw in financial woes, trivial family arguments, etc. There have been days I do not want to get out of bed. there are days I am numb. I know how empathetic and caring that you are. Sometimes we have to remain numb or the pain will just be too much to bear. You are still a ray of light. The sun will come out tomorrow and you will feel it's warmth.Wrap it around you like a blanket and let it nurture you. You have been through a lot. Sending you a HUGE healing hug!
As karen wishes for herself, I fervently wish also.
Hoping your wish comes true. Sending wish dust your way.
As Karen wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
Good luck to you! xo
Oh Karen, it seems like we have so, so much in common. I sometimes think my dog is the wisest being I know. :)
I know you will find the way back to you. I wish I could tell you how to do that, but I'm still figuring that out as well.
As Karen wishes for herself, so I fully and with all my heart wish for her as well.
Wishing you nothing but goodness as you find your way back to joy.
As Karen wishes for herself, so I wish for her also. From the short time that I have known you, I see someone who is taking an interest in so many creative arts. I'm sure you've heard this from so many, but I'll add to it, that extreme nurturing and self-care is essential to healing. It is so okay not to have energy for others at this time. Start with giving yourself that "oxygen" mask of loving kindness. Take your time. Seek out your joy makers and surround yourself with the lightness of being. {{soul hugs}} k
As Karen wishes for herself, so do I wish for her also. Death and grief are so wild, so consuming - I am glad that you release a little bit of it here. I have felt like I was without control over my life, or my emotions, that someone else was hitting my play button. But you seem to know your, and that's a powerful insight I think.
I can relate Karen, to the feeling of being on hold. When I think back now, I think a part of me got lost when my grandma died of cancer 3 years ago. I was taking care of her and she passed just after I left the room.
I wish for you to find what your missing, to find peace and joy and all the happiness you can handle.
As Karen wishes for herself, so I wish for her also.
as Karen wishes for herself so I Carmen wish for her also
hugs very dear friend!!!
I hope you are able to find your connection, your missing piece soon. As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you as well.
Karen,
As you wish for yourself I wish for you also. You have been there for everyone else. Now you can be there for yourself. Love and blessings to you.
big gentle hugs to you karen.
and as karen wishes for herself, so i wish for her also.
Your connection will come again. There is nothing simple about this, but it will be a beautiful thing when you notice it's there for you.
As Karen wishes for herself, so I wish for her.
Karen, as you wish for yourself, I wish for you also. Your writing is pure raw emotion. You have writing talent. If it's the will of the Higher Power to use your writing to turn on the play button, then I also wish that for you, Karen.
Don't assume Karen that nothing is happening just b/c you can't see it happening. Healing takes all forms and happens every moment of every day just like change does. We are seeds of the Goddess and we are growing every day even when we don't feel it or see it. I can relate to your pain w/the loss of my sister. As her caretaker I too just ran out of everthing by the time my sister passed. It has taken me two and half years to even start feeling like I am moving forward but what I have realized in the slumber time I had that there was growth, healing, and change happening. What I am feeling now did not happen overnight and yours won't either. Just hold on to the faith and belief that things are going on beneath the surface that runs deeper than your fear and anxiety. What Karen wishes for herself I as a Sparkle Sister wish for you also.
Love and Blessings,
Tricia
I wish you find the happiness and joy you deserve also!! As Karen wishes for herself, I wish for her also!
I left you a little award on my blog!
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