Jamie's wish prompt is: What do you wish to immerse yourself in?
Bella's Picture prompt is: Shoot the Red
I wish to immerse myself in more moments like those I experienced at Squam, so that they can become more a part of my everyday life instead of something I only feel once in awhile.
This year has been a particularly hard one for me emotionally. My sense of self has become lost in the ups and downs of my marriage. I find myself so tuned in to the environment around me and reacting to every little thing in it, that I have no idea who I am or what I want. I have been in survival mode before, it's an old feeling for me, so I know that's what I'm in again.
Going to squam is like going back home to yourself, to connecting to what it is that you want. You can do as much or as little as you want while there. You can connect with other creative souls or you can take a breather on the dock just listening to your own heartbeat merging with the sounds of birds and water.
I found myself watching those who have been to Squam many times and you can see them coming more into themselves, standing tall in their truth. This was especially present in Elizabeth this year, who is the goddess creator of all that is Squam. Her outsides seem to really match her insides this year, do you know what I mean? When Elizabeth described in her blog post after Squam that is what she was feeling, I just nodded YES, it shows! Big shout out of thanks to Elizabeth and all her magical helpers that make Squam the experience it is, including the RDC camp staff, who kept food in our bellies and cabin fires lit to warm us during the cold nights.
I love the sense of being held at Squam, the other women and men that attend are here to come back to themselves, to connect with other creative souls and this shows in the real sense of community felt at Squam, a being there for each other, even if it's just as a witness. My cabin mates were a mix of new and old friends, and I have much gratitude for their presence at Squam and in my life, it was such a pleasure to be seen and heard by them and to see and hear their stories as well.
Don't get me wrong, it's not all magic pixie dust and unicorns. There is work being done here also, you come up against your own edges and you can push through or not, your choice. I came up against mine, feeling a part of things in some moments and then on the fringes of not belonging in other moments. Crying sometimes and feeling so alone and then laughing with others and feeling connected. So I just kept showing up because I want to grow and push myself towards becoming more of my self, to feel more at home in my own body, to have my outsides match my insides.
The beauty of Squam is not just in the people but also the surroundings, the forest paths, the sun sparkling on the lake, the sounds and sights of nature are all around you. I hope I captured a bit of it of it below in my slide show. For me this year it really hit home that I have been lost and at Squam I was able to feel moments of being found. My wish now is that I keep immersing myself in these moments, to hold them close. I still struggle with the wanting to be seen vs. not wanting to be seen.
I will write another post on my classes and teachers later this week when I have really processed the whole experience.
My shoot the red for Bella's prompt is the above painting I did in Flora Bowley's "Bloom True" class. I love the red in this painting, I just wanted to keep adding more and more.
So my friends what are you wishing today? As you wish for yourself, I am also wishing for you.
Namaste,
Karen
