I have to be truthful here, I did not want to do this chapter of "The Joy Diet". I wanted to tell a little white lie about it , make something up as I went….but you know how that goes.
I tried to hide from the truth all week but it just kept creeping up on me, like once I had it set in my mind to avoid the truth, the truth just kept jumping out at me. Actually I grew up in a house that held lies and shame, not that you would know that from the outside, but I felt it and now I find I would rather hear the truth. That is not to say it was all bad, because it wasn't. I also did not sit well with nothing this week, but I think that had to do with the fact that I was trying not to hear the truth, and sitting with nothing can lead your mind to the truth sometimes!
Here are some of my experiences while reading this chapter on truth and where it led me.
In reading the chapter I recognized myself when she was describing dissociation and denial. I did that a lot as a kid and still do it now from time to time. The problem is as she states, things start to feel unreal, and we lose touch with our senses. It was so bad for me at one point that the only thing my body felt was pain, pain in my stomach, arm, leg, whatever it was at the time. My body was giving me messages to wake up and start listening. I had numbed myself out so much from my emotions and was very disconnected from my body; my favorite way recently of doing this was by emotional eating. The truth being that I gained 60 pounds in a few years before I realized what was happening.
It has been a long journey but I feel I am on the path to healing where this is concerned. I still struggle but I see some forward movement, especially in being able to share my story and to actually stick up for myself instead shutting down. Some of the people in my life did not like when I starting “talking back” and wanting answers, I was not acting like the good girl they wanted me to be. And now as an adult I can see those ways of coping that served me well as a child and young adult no longer serve me and I feel It may now be safe to look for the truth within.
I will share a truth that came to me as I was reading this chapter: My Dad is NOT the man I thought he was, he was more and less than I thought. He was a man of secrets, some of them coming to light after his death. I think he spent a lifetime in denial and he struggled with addiction. Having to juggle so many secrets must have chipped away at him. But the truth also is that he DID love me the best he could, and ironically I got my sense of justice from him (he was in law enforcement) and I believe I inherited my empathy and compassion from him.
I believe his was a tender soul but he grew up in a tough environment and he had to cope the best he could to survive his circumstances. I was very angry and felt betrayed when I discovered some of his secrets but I have moved past that into forgiveness and compassion, that is my truth for today. So you see the story I had told myself about my father was not the truth and I may never know the whole truth of that story, but that is ok. The picture above is of my Dad holding me as a baby, I wish I could remember that moment. And the truth now is I am ready and willing to heal.
Wow sorry this is so long; I guess my truth wanted to be heard more than I expected. Thank you so much for your support in giving me this space to share my story. And I look forward to hearing all about your week of truth.
25 comments:
Thank you for this great and honestly written post!
I also came from a difficult family and it always has such an impact, although I am nearly 43 now. In families that do not work, speaking the truth is the most dangerous thing to do. The most brave one. And the most healing one.
Try that Gabrielle Roth Stuff, the 5 rhythms, they are so great. If I want to know, what I really feel and put myself back into the middle again, I'm always praticing them. They are also some great books, she's written, the title alone: Sweat your prayers! Yeah!
Till DESIRE then, CU next week!
It takes courage to share the things you are learning and feeling. it's a big step just to recognize that your dad loved the best he could. Defintely on a healing journey here.
Wow...sounds like this chapter is just what you needed. I know I sometimes try and avoid things I think are going to hurt but when I push myself - as you pushed yourself with truth this week - I discover the fear was much greater than the pain from the process. Congratulations. I hope you've cleared some of those old issues out.
And thanks for your comment on my blog. :)
What a brave journey you took with truth this week. I so understand the use of denial and the emotional eating definitely hit home for me. I think we all struggle as adults when we are faced with the 'truth' that our parents are or were real people with demons of their own, that they struggled with their own truth. It makes me wonder how my children see me...do they see the true me or some version of me I show?
Thank you so much for sharing your story. When we get our voice it is sometimes very hard for those who want us to continue to be the "quiet good one". But we all need to be free to speak our truth.
So many of these posts about truth have made me teary-eyed, and yours is certainly no exception. Your brave and honest journey toward forgiveness and re-writing a story that was painful is absolutely beautiful. Many blessings to you!
i am loving it too.
it is a real good chapter.
I thank you for writing down all of this stuff,
A big yes to letting this things out of your heart and mind. and don't stop keep writing from your heart.
Thank you so much for sharing the way that you approached truth. Your bravery and your ability to rewrite your story was absolutely inspiring.
Wow, great post. Bravo to you.
*hugs* what an honest and brave post! You are certainly a strong person and very grounded! I love the photo you posted...just *sigh* so HONEST! Keep seeking and remembering to have compassion for yourself...you deserve it! <3
I am so glad you did well with this chapter and can now find peace, and forgiveness. Big hug.
Lots of miracles to you -- I am hearing you loud and clear if that helps any :) It is interesting to get to a place where we can see a more whole picture of our parents. Lots of truths there. And bravo to you for beginning to listen to body and become embodied again. Sending lots of Reiki vibes your way... k-
wow...such insight and revelations here! I can say I do relate to what you wrote. I think so many of us end up in denial....blocking out things from our minds and memories to survive so to speak.....and like you said..by doing so....we end up being numb to feeling much of anything. NOT a great way to experience life. I have had so many truths revealed to me that I am trying to face too. My dad has never been the same man he tries to portray himself as to others. Our entire family has issues I guess probably like most....but they stem way back in our childhoods and how our dad treated us. So it is a long story too. Thanks for stopping by and leaving a comment on my blog too!
Karen, this post is monumental! I envisioned you taking a giant stride in your life. Your honesty and courage in telling the truth will unlock many things for you. I know. I'm on the same path! May it be an abundantly fulfilling one! :)
Thank you for sharing your truth. Truth takes courage - yours is inspiring!
Part of the truth is coming to terms with our past. Being able to forgive...priceless.
Oh, what a wonderful post! Your truth rings through and really touched me. Being from a family with addiction myself (my mother who has also passed away already), living a life of secrets had become second nature. There are still secrets, at least to the outside world, but not within me anymore. And it sounds like you have started to live your truth and that is the biggest step of all!! Congratulations!! Hugs, Silke
I'm glad I came late to this posting...first because I could read it at my leisure and absorb it. But, also because I got to read all the fabulous comments of support and caring you got for sharing your truth. All well deserved.
It seems to me that you are well on your way to becoming whole and your truth. It started when you gave your father permission to be flawed and a Human Being. That's really what it's about you know...the ability to love someone once they fall rightly from the lofty perch they are on...or sometimes the one we place them on.
For, if we ever expect to forgive ourselves, we must practice the act of forgiving on those around us. And, cone we know how it feels, we can give that gift to ourselves.
Ultimately, the forgiveness of self is the anointing comfort and joy we hope. Good on You, Dear One...keep Reiki every day to yourself as mainstay.
Thanks for sharing your heartfelt story - it sounds like this book may be what we all really need at this very moment and I'm glad to be sharing this journey with you. Thanks too for stopping by my Truth post :)
Sparkly Blessings,
Kathy C.
That is such a sweet picture of you and your dad. And it is a wisdom we come to, if we're lucky, that many of our parents did the best they could - that we can look at them as real people who never had the self help books, therapists, etc. that we are able to take advantage of.
And yet we hurt from the short changing we may have experienced. Good for you to be facing up to your stories and to not let the damage continue to undermine you - but to bring them into the light where you can examine them and figure out what the best way is for you to go forward!
Despite your hesitancy in exploring truth, congratulations on bravely exploring this topic and finding peace within it. You are on a very beautiful journey of self-discovery and acceptance.
Bravo to you for sharing your heart-felt journey. Where we are is just the beginning for who we really are to contintually and gloriously unfold.
Hi there! I'm glad to know we are on this journey together. Thank you for sharing your truth-telling...it's so beautiful and real.
I just finished Unravelling...how are you liking it?
i am sorry for the pain that truth has caused you. according to your post i noticed that you are moving forward and that is what matters. i hope it gets easier for you. hugs!
Once again I visit with you through your blog and the read the heartfelt comments of others who are touched by your Spirit. It is early morning and I am ready to go to my work taking this moment of centering. MoonSong Sister, you are special.
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