2011 has started off a bit rockier than I hoped it would but I am trying to roll with it and go with the flow. I really can't imagine why I thought when the clock struck 12:01 January 1,2011 that everything would magically change for the better, it's all the New Year's hype, I bought into it. The only thing I can do is state my intentions and start living my truth. And part of that truth is that I don't know my whole story, I am in the process of unravelling and learning it day by day.
Here is some of my story:
I grew up in a family filled with anxiety and depression, a father in a job that was at times dangerous to himself and to us and a Mother who was not treated right and did not quite know how to nurture and show her love. My parents both did the best they could and I love them both dearly, but there are some truths there that I can't hide from anymore.
I married a man who does not know how to fully commit himself in a relationship so I wake everyday wondering where I stand and will this be the day he decides to leave. He has been unsure of his feelings for the last 5 years of our marriage of 17 years, though he added he has been feeling this way for much longer. and I wait....................for him to love me or love me not.
I have problems with intimacy due to some past traumas in my life parts of which still remain unknown to me. What I do know is that those experiences have left me with a lack of faith and trust that I am struggling to regain.
I know the path to healing for me will lay in the creative arts, I have touched on it from time to time yet I still don't fully immerse in it because part of me is afraid to heal, what would life look like then, who will I become?
I know that I only have to look within to find the love and acceptance I long for YET I continue to look for it externally and that only leads to disappointment.
I have just shared some of my story with you, will you share some of yours with me? Feel free to leave comments, because the one TRUTH I am SURE of is that we are not alone, we are more connected than we know and all our stories matter..
My intention for 2011 is to love and accept myself for who I am and to embrace and share my story as it unfolds.
Namaste and thanks for listening,
Karen
18 comments:
Not every post has to be full of bouncy light and happies - you never know what someone will find inspiring.
Thank you, my dear, for sharing these truths with the universe (and with us). It's very brave of you to speak them. I've read your words, I understand as best I'm able, and I'm holding them.
Don't be afraid of what you'll find when you heal. You'll be whole; you'll be truly yourself. That's something to embrace.
Keep sharing, if you feel called to do it. We're listening. <3
Thank you for being so brave with this. I have to think that new levels of healing are already taking place, just because you shared.
The fear of healing makes so much sense to me, too, however paradoxical it can sound. Change of any kind is unknown.
I wish you just what you need this year, and good surprises as you heal.
Oh Karen, you so need the Circle! We've just had an enormous outpouring of our truths in the second week of self portraits on GC and you would feel right at home there. I shared my truth there but I myself would not go so far as to post publicly on my blog.. you are very brave and loved!
I love that you shared this here! I, for one, am not always looking for something light and "upbeat":) Scorpio me, I'd rather dig down into the deeper, more interesting stuff.
A recently unearthed truth for me is just how deep my sadness about my father is, how much I've missed him and how much a part of my story that is, conscious or not. I had a dream in which I said I could cry an ocean. Ever since I try daily to tap into that feeling and shed some of those healing tears. Just admitting that deep pain to myself has been helpful. At least it's been true.
Sending much love to you on your journey,
Liz
You are so brave and beautiful! Continue to trust yourself and create! Wishing you the very best in 2011 xoxoxo
Karen, I *see* and *honor* where you are. Thank you for sharing your truths. Please know it is perfectly okay to be 'messy' here ~ this space of blogging is really for YOU! And your story is worth telling!
You are being so brave. I am holding the sacred space for you to explore the needs of your soul further into creativity and healing. It will not likely be an easy journey but it will be SOOOOO worth it! (and it doesn't sound like where your are currently is easy either, so why not go for it?)
{One book that came to mind while I was reading is "Love is Letting Go of Fear" by Gerald Jampolsky.}
And I echo what Ellie Di said...we're listening. :)
I don't think you need to post bright and sunny all the time if that isn't what you feel like posting. It's your blog, post from the heart hon.
I understand what your saying about being afraid to heal. I can relate. I'm having my own issues with healing, trusting, etc. I'm afraid of finding out who I am. What if I don't like her? I'm so used to living with my current reality that I don't know if I can handle it changing even if it's for the better.
But hang in there, I'm in the fight with you. You're not alone.
*HUGS*
blessings, karen. i can see you being brave. it is a huge step.
So proud of you for speaking your truth. Little steps in the right direction lead to big changes. The part about waiting really resonates for me, and makes me ask myself what would happened if I stopped waiting? Wow.
Sending you a big hug and a pat on the back. It is so scary to show ourselves but as you can see - so many people resonate with the real struggles because we all have them.
I lost a few close friends during my darkest hours (or years, really) but gained some of the most amazing new ones (like you!) and am a much more compassionate person now. My pain has shaped me for the better.
And I'd just say one more little thing, don't forget Byron Katie and ask yourself about your stories, "Is it true?" :)
You are brave. You are beautiful. You are loved.
Does it really matter what other people think? Sometimes life is messy. Anyone who claims otherwise is either a liar or in denial.
I believe telling your story is a big step toward healing. You and I have and are traveling a more similar path than you know.
I'm here. I'm listening. Take care.
I love that you shared more of your story. You are brave and truthful.
Wish we could meet for a coffee and a chat. :)
You are loved.
Karen, I think you are are such a beautiful soul and brave beyond belief. I really hope that this year brings you fulfillment and that you learn to see just how wonderful you are. The journey finding love within is a hard and continuous one, and I like you continue to search, but I think the small steps matter so very much.
I have to agree with what Kristin wrote ... by speaking and sharing this, deep healing is in process.
I know my journey is all about learning to love myself and believe that as I am, I am enough. I recently realized that has been the crux of the matter in everything I've gone through - eating disorder, incredible pressure to succeed, be perfect, feeling lost and unknown, seeking in others what I need to find within myself. It's been a broken record but finally I am making sense of all the pieces and putting myself back together. I know each piece of my healing journey was given to me slowly ... first yoga ... then my daughter ... and now art. These are the tools by which I come back to myself, witnessing and acknowledging my hurts and my triumphs. And for me, it has been a spiral ... looping back to issues I thought I had healed only to find deeper layers to address, but now I am ready for them.
That is the only truth I know: you will be able to handle what emerges ... what you are ready for will present itself to you and the healing will happen in the right time, in the right manner. You just have to stay open and trust in your self, in your innate goodness and Light.
May you find peace with your process ... and comfort in knowing you are not alone.
Thank you for sharing this ... I see you, I hear you and I honor you.
xo Lis
Thank you for being you, for being brave, and for sharing your story. xo
Karen, my post for tomorrow is heavier than my posts have been for a while...I tend to want to present my "light," more than my shadow...but shadow is truth too. I'm so sorry that you are going through all of this pain...but going through it is what will get you to the other side. Although I don't really know you, from my personal experience and from working with others I guarantee that the person, the YOU, you discover through creativity, no matter what form you delve into (and I believe blogging totally counts as an art-form...so you already ARE engaged in art making) will be a healthier, courageous, beautiful, confident, wise woman.
You just need to take the time to listen to your heart, let it weep, let it sing, let it rage, let it laugh...allow yourself to simply be who you already are...and if today you are sad, then today you are sad...tomorrow might be very different...you won't know until you are there...but today you are here, and this moment, this breath is all that matters. Exhale...inhale...trust your wise self.
Dear Karen,
you're right the blogworld is both refreshingly connective whilst also full of a tonne of information. You are doing so well, so brave. We all have stories of pain, and some are more open about sharing it than others. You are right about creativity being a healing. this has been the case for me, yet within it that I have had to do so much personal inner work over many years. It does get better, it's acting on the intuition that is hard, but when we are ready, we will act.
Hugs to you,
Amelia.x
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