Stuck: Trying to find my balance

I have lost my center, my balance.  My mind, spirit and body have been off balance for such an extended time that I finally realize I need to take some time to find my center again.

I don't know what that entails but I am working that out, the end of 2010 beginning of 2011 has brought this loss of balance to the forefront.  I have been so overwhelmed by emotional breakthroughs, health issues and lack of faith and trust that I feel a bit lost.  The blogosphere has been at times a blessing due to the connections to like minded souls and the true community feeling I have found here yet on the flip side there is a feeling of overwhelm in  information,  feelings of inadequacy, competition, comparison, and the critical voice.

I have been frozen in creative inertia and lack of general purpose, just stuck overall in my life.  I am going to be gentle with myself at this time.  I will be posting  pics as I take them and sharing some links around here for awhile until I get my feet back under me.

Today I am enjoying the sketches and thoughts on fear and hope over at Kristin Noelle's place and this is my choice for Lisa's (dandelion seeds and dreams) Monday Inspiration today.

I am sending you all love and best wishes for today and all your tomorrows.

Namaste,
Karen

Tuesday's Tunes

I was reminded of this song while watching the show "Parenthood" tonight, and I remembered how much I love it.

This is a great version and the lyrics scroll on the screen as the song is playing..  my favorite lines in the song:
"May you always do for others and let others do for you"
"May your heart always be joyful and May your song always be sung"

Enjoy and be well..

Today's Thoughts:Some tender parts of my story

I have been hearing many people talk about being authentic, standing in your truth and being vulnerable and it has left me wondering do people really want to hear my truth or will they judge it or me?  I wonder if my post is not upbeat or informational or inspiration and creative will anyone want to read it or should I really even care if anyone wants to read it?

2011 has started off a bit rockier than I hoped it would but I am trying to roll with it and go with the flow.  I really can't imagine why I thought when the clock struck 12:01 January 1,2011 that everything would magically change for the better, it's all the New Year's hype, I bought into it.  The only thing  I can do is state my intentions and start living my truth.  And part of that truth is that I don't know my whole story, I am in the process of unravelling and learning it day by day.


Here is some of my story:

I grew up in a family filled with anxiety and depression, a father in a job that was at times dangerous to himself and to us and a Mother who was not treated right and did not quite know how to nurture and show her love.  My parents both did the best they could  and I love them both dearly, but there are some truths there that I can't hide from anymore.

I married a man who does not know how to fully commit himself in a relationship so I wake everyday wondering where I stand and will this be the day he decides to leave.  He has been unsure of his feelings for the last 5 years of our marriage of 17 years, though he added he has been feeling this way for much longer.  and I wait....................for him to love me or love me not.

I have problems with intimacy due to some past traumas in my life parts of which still remain unknown to me.  What I do know is that those experiences have left me with a lack of faith and trust that I am struggling to regain.

I know the path to healing for me will lay in the creative arts, I have touched on it from time to time yet I still don't fully immerse in it because part of me is afraid to heal, what would life look like then, who will I become?

I know that I only have to look within to find the love and acceptance I long for YET I continue to look for it externally and that only leads to disappointment.

I have just shared some of my story with you, will you share some of yours with me?  Feel free to leave comments, because the one TRUTH I am SURE of is that we are not alone, we are more connected than we know and all our stories matter..

My intention for 2011 is to love and accept myself for who I am and to embrace and share my story as it unfolds.

Namaste and thanks for listening,

Karen

Self Portrait Jan 10, 2011 letting humour diffuse a bad mood

Hi friends.

Did you ever have one of those days when you just felt like ranting and pulling your hair out, well that was my day today.  I decided to diffuse this mood with some self portrait humour, and it really helped. (thanks for the reminder Liz that sometimes you just have to laugh at yourself.)

So today over at Lis' Dandelion Seeds and Dreams it is Inspirational Monday, and I am being inspired by laughing today and how it can instantly diffuse a bad mood!

I am just going to have to let go and let my pace be what it is, things will get done or not and if they don't it won't be the end of the world.  I am starting to realize there is only so much you can do before you just start shutting down.

May you be enjoying your day wherever you may be.

Namaste,

KAren

Self Portrait January 9th.. the mood around here

As I am sure many of you can relate to I have had a love/hate relationship with my hair for as long as I can remember.  It seems like the only days I like my hair are the days that I am going for a hair cut, funny huh!

I have been feeling a wee bit overwhelmed here and I needed to laugh so I started  playing with my video camera and trying different hairstyles out..I call this one the modified Cousin It.

Today I am trying to organize my life all in one short day and as you can see I am distracting myself with the internet.. oh well, in the immortal words of Scarlett O'Hara, "I can't think about that right now. If I do, I'll go crazy. I'll think about that tomorrow"!"

Enjoy your day and may you take some time to laugh today!

Namaste,
Karen

Self Portrait Jan. 7, 2011 - Snowy Day

Today's self portrait was fun, cold and wet!  I must say it's darn hard looking up into snow that is falling down.  The big fat wet flakes were coming at a steady pace at this point.

Have a wonderful day wherever you may be.

Namaste,

Karen

Self Portrait Jan 6, 2011: Mirror Board

I am joining the brave ranks of  Hippy Urban Girl, Vivienne McMaster, Liz Lamoreux, Susannah Conway, Bella and Lisa Hoffman  and taking on my own self-portrait challenge.  My intention is by taking these self portraits I will be connecting to the moment I am in as well as becoming more comfortable in my own skin.

Today I took my reflection in mirror board paper which I will be using to complete my Sketchbook Project book which is only due in a week, hey there's nothing like waiting until the last minute to get the blood flowing!

Happy Thursday to all,

Namaste,
Karen

Word for 2011 and Wishcast Wednesday

Hi my fellow wishers and dreamers. Today over at Jamie Ridler Studios the wish prompt is: "What do you wish to say YES to?"

I was so determined to start 2011 with a calm and focused mind but alas that is not what is happening. I am overwhelmed with thoughts on what I would like to accomplish for the New Year and work picking back up at the same time. (I work at an accounting office)

While reading others blogs, tweets, facebook posts on their intentions for the New Year, their wrap up of 2010 and their words for 2011 I have become overloaded with information, thoughts, ecourses that are starting up, projects I want to start or finish, etc. This has left me with the feeling that I have not had a chance to stop and catch my breath between this year and last.

Everything seems to travel at the speed of light out here in the blogosphere, if you miss a day or heck an hour or two you are already out of the loop. I wonder do others work full time jobs and if so how do they manage their work, online time and family/household time, this leads me to this weeks wish prompt.

What I would like to say YES to is my word for 2011, which is EMBRACE, this word found me as It was not even one of my top choices, I kept seeing it everywhere and it just started to resonate with me in a way that no other words had.

Definition of EMBRACE From Merriam webster
transitive verb
1a : to clasp in the arms : hug b : cherish, love
2: encircle, enclose
3a : to take up especially readily or gladly b : to avail oneself of : welcome
4a : to take in or include as a part, item, or element of a more inclusive whole

For 2011 I would like to EMBRACE the following:

* My own pace, be it slow or fast on any given day, I won't always be able to keep up with the group and that is ok!
* My own schedule, I am an organizing geek and this is at odds with my creative side at times but I work much better with some sort of rhythm (thanks for that clarification Joy!) to my day.
* My imperfections, they are what make me unique.
* My desire to create, to heal, to love.
* Nourishing my mind/body/soul with the things that will bring joy and peace.
* My loved ones just as they are, this goes for self also.
* My Community both online and offline.
* Change, I spend alot of time resisiting change, instead I would like to Embrace it.
* Chaos, sometimes all you can do when there is chaos in your life is to Embace it.

Above are some examples of what I would like to EMBRACE this year but the biggest thing I would like to EMBRACE is the unknown. I get caught up in the need to KNOW everything so instead I would like to EMBRACE the mystery of life, living each moment just as it is.

The Picture above was one I took while shooting into the sun, the resulting sunflare produced a red figure like object EMBRACING the sun.

As you wish for yourself, so I wish for you also.

Namaste,
Karen

Wishcast Wednesday: what do you wish for the New Year?

CLICK For Larger View

Hi my fellow wishers and dreamers.  Today over at Jamie Ridler's Studios the wish prompt is "What do you wish for the New Year?" 

Today's wish had me reflecting back over this year which was filled with many cracks, breaks and openings, some were expected and welcomed while others simply rocked my world.  I am still trying to find the balance over here in my little corner of the world.  It comes as no surprise now that my word for 2010 was OPEN; I almost want to rephrase it as "BREAK OPEN"!  It will be interesting to see where these openings take me as I move into 2011.

Here is my wishprompt/poem for the 2011 New Year.

Simple wishes for the 2011 New Year

A year filled with more courage and less fear
A year filled with letting in joy and good cheer
A year filled with creative vision becoming clear
A year filled with really loving those held dear
A year filled with finding my truth and being sincere
A year filled with trust in the healing happening here

We had a blizzard here Sunday into Monday with snow totals close to the 2 foot mark!  The picture above was taken from my living room and it shows the wild drifts coming up to the windows in some places.  I love the way this came out, it looks cozy and comfy.

I wish you and your loved ones a very healthy and happy New Year, may it hold all that you wish for.

Namaste,
Karen

Tuesday Tunes: Nina Simone

Please enjoy the music styling of Nina Simone and her song "feeling good" for today's Tuesday Tune.  Her voice gets to me, you can  really feel the emotion in it and I am feeling this song today.
The above picture is from the blizzard we had here Sunday into Monday.


Lyrics:

Birds flyin' high you know how I feel
Sun in the sky you know how I feel
Breeze driftin' on by you know how I feel

Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me
yeah, its a new dawn its a new day its a new life for me oooooooo
AND I'M FEELING GOOD

Fish in the sea, you know how I feel
River runnin' free you know how I feel
Blossom on the tree you know how I feel

Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me
And I'm feelin good

Dragonfly out in the sun you know what i mean dont you know
Butterflies all havin' fun you know what I mean
Sleepin' peace when day is done that's what I mean
And this old world is a new world and a bold world for me

Stars when you shine you know how I feel
Scent of the crime you know how I feel
Your freedom is mine, and I know how I feel

Its a new dawn, its a new day, its a new life for me
OH I'M FEELING GOOOOOOOOOOOOOD


Enjoy your day.
Namaste,
Karen

Wishcast Wednesday: What is your winters wish?

Heart SunFlare 2010

Good Morning my fellow wishers and dreamers.  After recovering from my funky virus this week a close friends Dad passed away and I have been there lending support  so my shopping and holiday preparing time was put on the back burner, I just had to let it go.

I had finished some prior and will run around tomorrow finishing up what I can and it will be what it will be and that is OK. I am releasing the stress of the holiday season and embracing the community spirit of sharing this time with loved ones be it in times of joy or times of grief.

The picture above is one I took last week just pointing and shooting into sun. The sun flare produced a heart shape which was so cool and why I like taking flare pictures so much, you never know what will happen!

Ok so I venture back into my poetry/wish challenge.  I am a bit rusty but I am commited to sharing so here is is, my winter's wish: (PS:  I could not decide between these two versions.) 

Blooms of spring, summer heat and fall harvest passed
the time has come to prepare for winters blast
embracing the gifts found in this dark time of year
sinking into the stillness of winter without any fear
moments filled with introspection as well as community
Winters wish knows alone or not there is always unity

and

Blooms of spring, summer heat and fall harvest have passed
the time has come to prepare for winters blast
embracing the gifts found in this dark time of year
sinking into the stillness of winter without fear
moments of introspection as well as community
winters wish is filled with peace love and unity

I also wanted to point you in the direction of my friend Lisa at Dandelion Seeds and Dreams and the project she is working on putting into place for Half Sky Foundation which provides "individual care and stimulation for the children living in Chinese welfare centers".   If you would like what like to learn more and vote for Lisa on facebook please click Lisa's linked site above.

From my heart to yours I wish you all that you wish for this holiday season. Much love to you and yours.

Namaste,
Karen

Fearless Friday Self Portraits

TGIF my friends.  I am so glad this week is over, I was sick for most of it but feeling a little better today.

Inspired by Vivienne McMasters "You are Your Own Muse" e-course which I just finished I will continue doing self portraits here once a week on Friday.  The courage my fellow class mates and Vivienne show in their self portraits has pushed me to come up against my own fears.

I have struggled with self-esteem and body image issues on and off for years and Vivienne's class along with Susannah Conway's Unravelling  classes have really opened my eyes to myself and the world around me which is helping me to know that I am enough in each moment.

The above self portrait was taken today at work sans makeup, using my phone camera for this quick shot.  After viewing the picture  I kind of like the way it came out though  it's a weird angle and a bit goofy that's me in this moment!

Have a great Friday.

Namaste,
KAren

Something fun for you while I am still out sick

Hi from the sick couch!

Hi!
I am still recovering from some funky cold/virus over here but I wanted to post this great dance party video going on over at Joy Tanksley's Blog.

Joy is so full of life and fun and boy is she a brave one.  Enjoy the dance party.


Boogie with Eliza! from Joy Tanksley on Vimeo.

Wishcast Wednesday: How do you wish to Soar

here is my view from the couch as I recover from a virus

Hey my fellow wishers and dreamers. I am taking a break from wishing and poetry this week as I am recovering from a virus but I wanted to pop in and say that I am here wishing you all that you wish for and for myself I wish to soar into 2011 in good health!!

I wanted to share this link over at Neil Kramer's Citizen of the Month where he has bloggers singing holiday music, it will make you laugh, cry and get into the holiday spirit. Enjoy!  (click below to enjoy the concert!)

Neil Kramer's Fifth Annual Blogger Holiday Concert!!!

Tuesday Tunes... Joni Mitchell

As I recover from a virus/cold (tis that season!) I leave you with this song sung here by Joni Mitchell. This song always gets to me and touches something in me and that is what I love about music, do you know what I mean?

Lyrics:
Just before our love got lost you said
I am as constant as a northern star
And I said, constantly in the darkness
Where's that at?
If you want me I'll be in the bar

On the back of a carton coaster
In the blue TV screen light
I drew a map of Canada
Oh Canada
With your face sketched on it twice

Oh you're in my blood like holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you darling
And I would still be on my feet
Oh I would still be on my feet

Oh I am a lonely painter
I live in a box of paints
I'm frightened by the devil
And I'm drawn to those ones that ain't afraid
I remember that time that you told me, you said
Love is touching souls
Surely you touched mine
Cause part of you pours out of me
In these lines from time to time

Oh you're in my blood like holy wine
You taste so bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
I would still be on my feet

I met a woman
She had a mouth like yours
She knew your life
She knew your devils and your deeds
And she said
Go to him, stay with him if you can
But be prepared to bleed

Oh but you are in my blood you're my holy wine
You're so bitter, bitter and so sweet
Oh I could drink a case of you darling
Still I'd be on my feet
I would still be on my feet

Wishcast Wednesday




Clouds over Squam Lake

  Hi!
Today over at Jamie Ridler's Studio's it's Wishcast Wednesday and the prompt for today's wish is:
"What do you wish to transform?"

In keeping with my commitment to writing poetry in response to the wish here is today's poem:

Transforming doubt into trust
By clearing out the mental dust
Transforming  fear into brave
By accepting all that I’ve forgave
Transforming tears into joy
By embracing all I that I enjoy

My goal is that by doing this practice of writing at least once a week with no judgement that writing will start flowing more naturally
I am also trying to use only original pictures that I have taken, this gives me a reason to go out and explore my world in a creative way.

All that you wish for I also wish for you.

Namaste,
Karen

Tuesday Tunes : Jonatha Brooke

Lyrics: Woodie Guthrie  learn more here:  Jonatha Brooke

Oh little bird
Oh little bird I wanna sing like you
The whole day through
Oh little bird why can't I be like you?

Oh little bird
Oh little bird I wanna be that brave
And never save
My loving for some other rainy day
You fly away
When it's cold and you can't find another way
But you will sing and you will love until you find a place
You can stay
You can stay
And sing your little heart out til your dying day

I'll fly away
When it's cold and I can't find another way
I will sing and I will love until I find a place
I can stay
I can stay
And be as bold as you until my dying day

Oh little bird
Oh little bird I wanna sing like you
The whole day through
Oh little bird why can't I be like you?

Oh little bird
Oh little bird I wanna be that brave
And never save
My loving for some other rainy day

Oh little bird
Oh little bird now I will ne'er be blue
Because of you
Oh little bird now I can sing love true

Monday Inspiration over at Dandelion Seeds and Dreams

Today is Monday and over at Lisa's Dandelion Seeds and Dreams that means sharing inspiration.

My inspiration for Monday is this video from Misty Mawn, it really struck a chord with me and I feel like I know what she means about being an artist, I just have to BELIEVE it!

Namaste,
Karen

Reverb10 Day 2 and 3

Self Portrait:  Soaking up vibes at Squam Lake

I am taking part in Gwen Bell's Reverb10, which includes daily prompts to help you reflect on the year.
Today I am doing Day 2 and 3 together.

December 2 - Writing.
What do you do each day that doesn’t contribute to your writing — and can you eliminate it?
(Author: Leo Babauta)

Response:  Jeez what DON"T I do to distract myself from writing and creating, let me count the ways.  One big one that I can work on is cutting back how many hours I spend watching TV.  The TV is on from the minute I get home until the time I go to bed, even if I am not sitting in front of it that whole time it is just on in the background, always.
I am going to make a commitment to myself and leave the TV off next week from the hours of 4pm to 8pm, with the hopes that I spend some of that time in creative space.  I'll let you know how it goes at the end of the week.

December 3 – Moment
Pick one moment during which you felt most alive this year. Describe it in vivid detail (texture, smells, voices, noises, colors). (Author: Ali Edwards)

Response:  I was really surprised with this one, I thought I would not be able to come up with a moment that I felt most alive since this year was an emotional rollercoaster for me filled with anxiety and uncertainty but I came up with more than I expected.

If I had to just give you one moment in detail it would be when  Jen Lee read a blessing I pulled from her magic blessings container during class at Squam Art Workshops.  I still remember how it felt with her looking me in the eyes and reading TO ME.. really to me not just at me, do you know what I mean?  The blessing was:  "You don't have to get it right, just keep showing up with your whole heart!"   that moment felt sacred, like there was nowhere I could hide from that message and I was being seen for what seemed like the first time. 

It is so hard to describe this moment, I remember thinking Jen's eyes were so sincere as she spoke to me and the smell from the fireplace was in the air, the sounds were of the other participants waiting for their turn, the anticipation could be heard in their breathing but there was also a stillness, something big was happening. 

There were so many moments during Squam where I felt alive here are some more because I want to acknowledge them:

Learning from and geting to know the lovely Queen of polaroid Susannah Conway.
Being taught songwriting by the amazingly talented, down to earth Jonatha Brooke.
Elizabeth MacCrellish reaching out and holding on my hands as I struggled with some anxiety.
Sitting by the fire at the end of the night with my Squammie mates, who I feel are now lifelong friends.
Jen Gray making me feel so at ease when she knew I was terrified during the songwriting class.
Walking through the woods with no fear morning, noon and night.
The wind and sun on my face as I stood on the dock looking out at Squam Lake.

This reflection has me seeing  that athough my year was filled with  much turmoil there were plenty of moments where I felt truly alive, even within that turmoil and not just at Squam.  This online community I have been a part of this last year has been more of a blessing than any of you know.

I knew I would not be able to just pick one from that weekend but heck this is my blog and rules are meant to be broken, right!

Wishing you all a wonderful weeked.

Namaste,
Karen

Wishcast Wed/Reverb10




Self Portrait:  Vivienne's McMasters class.  Blurry

 Today over at Jamie Ridler's Studios the Wish Prompt is "Where do you wish to go slow?"  In keeping with my goals to combine Wednesday Wishcast with poetry excercise here is my poem for today:

What a gift it would be to go slow
To have patience as I change and grow
What a gift it would be to go slow
To have faith even when I don’t know
What a gift it would be to go slow
To have compassion as I find my flow

I am also participating in Gwen Bell's Reverb10 and the prompt today is as follows:

December 1 One Word

Encapsulate the year 2010 in one word. Explain why you’re choosing that word. Now, imagine it’s one year from today, what would you like the word to be that captures 2011 for you?
(Author: Gwen Bell)

My Response:

Word for 2010 = break.  There were many cracks and breaks to my heart and spirit this year through upheavall, emotional chaos and change.  November has been especially tough for me but as my friend Liz reminded me this is traditionally a time of harvest and contemplation.

Word for 2011 = open.  Though change can hurt at times I don't want to rush to cover up these cracks and breaks,  I want to sit with them and see where this expansion takes me.
Have a wonderful Wednesday.

Namaste,
Karen