Deep thoughts on a cloudy Sunday

Truly this is just about me and my personal feelings.

I am a 43 year old woman who has been married for 15 years and I have no children (by choice or fate I am not sure which) so GASP .. dead silence... that is what I get when I meet complete strangers who don't even know me or my circumstances. And my friends can be tough on the subject as well.

I want to say upfront for full disclosure that I don't have any physical problems with having children other than being out of shape and some health issues like asthma. And I also want to state for the record that I LOVE children, I adore them. I love my friend's children, I love my nieces and nephews so so much. I have no problems with children or with women who decide to have children, I think that is just great for them, I just think I may not be meant to be a mother.

Now is the moment that my friends and complete strangers try to give me the hard sell. Here are some of their comments:

1. you can't realize yourself as a woman until you have children.
2. you are being selfish by not having children
3. you just have to do it, no one is ever ready to have children.
4. why bother getting married if you are not going to have children.

The list goes on so I won't bore you with more, but then these people and by no means is this every person I meet, but it is a fair amount. Then these people go on to tell me the wonders of being a mother and the rewards and such and I have to think to myself, why do these people care if I have children or not, how does it effect their life in any way shape or form, this is what I just don't get. When did it become public opinion if I have children or not, any ideas?

Here are some of my own very personal answers to the above 4 examples:

1. I don't believe I have to have children to be a complete woman, I can nuture and love myself, my animal companions, my friends and family, my community. Maybe not having children opens me up to be available in ways I would not be if I had children.

2. This one just kills me. I am being SELFISH by NOT having children, huh and WHAT!!
I think for me and my situation I am being less selfish by not having children. I have some traumas from childhood and some baggage passed on to me by my parents that I choose not to pass on to the next generation, as they say "the buck stops here". Now that is not to say that there may be a point in the future when I may welcome children into my life via adoption or later in life pregnancy, I just don't know. I just know for now it is not meant to be and why should I be made to feel bad for this.

3. Maybe it is true that sometimes you just have to jump into something. But I think there are many kinds of ready and I am far from being ready and that is just how it is for me, AGAIN what does this have to do with anyone else and their decisions and why do these people want me to join their club so badly.

4. Why wouldn't I get married even if I knew then that I was not going to have children. I love my husband and want to be in a committed relationship with him and for me that included marriage. If children come into a marriage great, if they don't, they don't. My husband has not indicated he wants to get a divorce since we don't have children and we have both been wishy washy on the subject throughout our marriage.

So now you know. I am a married woman with no obvious physical reasons for not having children yet I don't have any. Seriously I know there can be regrets for this decision but for now I only know this is the truth for me at this time and I am trying to be true to myself regardless what society has to say about it. And I wish all those mothers out their much love and happiness with their children.

And as a PS my husband never gets crap from his friends and or strangers about his not having children

Anyway if you are reading this post I thank you for listening and now you know a little bit of my story.

Have a wonderful Sunday.

Introducing Our Joyful Jack - Bella!

Jesse has posted a pic of her Ella and it reminded me that I wanted to post a pic of our pup. Here she is!! Her name is Bella and I am amazed at how much joy she has brought to our life. She is saying "back away from the bee" in this pic.

Question for fellow bloggers

Hi!
Since I am fairly new at this I was wondering if you can help me out.
I have posted some artwork and original poetry on my blog and I was wondering about protecting my original poems and future art I may post. Are there special copyrights for blogs? I have searched the net but I find it confusing, any help would be greatly appreciated.

Thanks and have a wonderful weekend.

A Pause for some musical entertainment

As I gather my new moon thoughts and deal with this overwhelming tired feeling I have had for the past few days, I give you this musical video. I feel like breaking out into dance everytime this song comes on. It runs the risk of being overplayed on the radio but for now I am still enjoying it!! Click Say Hey Below for video.

Say Hey

Wishcast Wednesday:Who is the “you” you wish to be?

Wishing Wednesday again at http://jamieridlerstudios.ca/

Wow, this one is tough. I am just starting to figure out who I am, by seperating myself from other's expectations and dealing with doubts and regrets that I have about past decisions that may have lead me off my path. I am trying to live in the now.
So I think the ME I wish to be is free from the past (as the poem states below), free from regrets so I can start anew.
I wish to be Strong and Healthy and I wish to pave the way for others and to help them on their path. I am not sure how that will manifest yet but that is what I wish for me. Most of all I wish to love and heal myself just as much as I wish to love and heal others. I think a big part of letting go of the past will be forgiving myself. I think many things can begin from there.

My Poem
________________________________________________________________
What would it feel like without the guilt and shame
Can I live with myself with no one else to blame
Did the choices I make help pave the way
though I may have felt that I had no say
Letting go of the past and the hold it has on me
May this be the beginning of setting myself free
________________________________________________________________

Creative Every Day - August Theme: Movement

When I was thinking of movement I thought of all the differnt kinds of movement.
In the collage above the following are shown:
strong movement almost furious movement (the wave) then slow steady movement (the water slowly moving down the stone),estatic movement (the dancer) soft movement (the candles flickering) and comforting movement for me (the wind through the trees)

I especially love photo of the dancer, the way her body and hair are moving, she seems free and totally in the moment.

http://creativeeveryday.com/

This Abundant Life

Hi All,
I have been watching Lizzie West and Baba Buffalo's webcast called "this Abundant Life" for weeks now and I have to say it is really transfomational. They are musicians and activists and poets and farmers and the list goes on and on. They have guests on their show like my friend Mish who does a cooking segment. There is singing and dancing and sharinf of information in the arts, agriculture and activism. The most amazing thing they share is themselves.

To watch them sing together and see how they love and support each other is something. I believe it takes a lot of courage to put yourself out there in the public forum as they do, they are willing to welcome you into their home each week and I for one can say I look forward to visiting with them every Sunday at 7:00 pm. Below are links to their trailer and their website where you can listen to song samples. They are true poets of the soul.

And I can't forget to mention their Dharma Dog who is also on the show and a constant companion with them on their journeys. (he is in the pic above with them which is from their website)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pr1--Ef6Zso&feature=channel_page

http://lizzieandbaba.com/

Wishcraft by Barbara Sher

Hi!
Someone I know posted this on their blog recently. I have not read it yet myself but some say they found it very helpful and a good addition to their self-help library.
The author has published it on her website for free. So it cost nothing to download it.
If you have used it or do use it I would be interested in hearing your feedback on it.
Have a great Sunday.

http://wishcraft.com/

New Theme song in the soundtrack of my life

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ELvfMJoKDAk

I love this song by Gavin Degraw.
It actually speaks to what I have been feeling for awhile. I am ALWAYS so worried about what my friends and family are thinking about choices i make or things I am doing, and it is exhausting and I am tired of it. I want to be ME and they will either take me or leave me I suppose, and I will be ok with that as long as I stay true to myself..

Here are the lyrics.

I Don't Want to Be
by Gavin DeGraw, from the album "Chariot"

I don't need to be anything other than a prison guard's son
I don't need to be anything other than a specialist's son
I don't have to be anyone other than a birth of two souls in one
Part of where I'm going, is knowing where I'm coming from

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

I'm surrounded by liars everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by imposters everywhere I turn
I'm surrounded by an identity crisis everywhere I turn
Am I the only one who noticed?
I can't be the only one who's learned

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think about me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I've got to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me

Can I have everyone's attention please?
If you're not like this and that, you're gonna have to leave
I came from the mountain, the crust of creation
My whole situation - made from clay to stone
And now I'm telling everybody

I don't want to be anything other than what I've been trying to be lately
All I have to do is think of me and I have peace of mind
I'm tired of looking 'round rooms wondering what I'm trying to do
Or who I'm supposed to be
I don't want to be anything other than me
I don't want to be

Vacations almost over

Well it's Friday and vacation is winding down. I had all these grand ideas of painting and collaging while away but I got the lazy vacation bug ;-)
I kind of feel like we sat in the sun, ate, planned what we were going to eat and ate again! Well as least I will be well rested for the art projects I have ahead.
I joined the next book project with http://jamieridlerstudios.ca/the-next-chapter so that is exciting and I already have the book waiting and ready. And in October I will be joining in on Superhero's Journal Mondo Beyondo http://www.mondobeyondo.org/index.html. I also have been journaling with a Sark e-course and working on art projects from Artella. http://www.planetsark.com/
and http://www.artellawordsandart.com/.
So I am setting up my end of summer and fall with lots of good motivating projects. I will post updates on these. So I have the end of vacation blues today, wishing I could just live at the beach and stay in this in the moment slow motion I have been in, not looking forward to the fast forward button being pushed when I get back to work. Enjoy your day!

(the picture of the gull says how I have felt on vacation more than words)

Wishcast Wednesday: Which door would you like to open:

What door do you wish to open is the wednesday wishcast from Jamie Ridler Studios. My first thought was courage and fearlessness, the courage to heal, the fearlessness to move forward on my path. I often wonder what happened to my fearlessness, when I was a little girl I used to climb willow trees and I even ate a worm once in order to gain entry to my brother and cousin's he man club, as a matter of fact I think I ate it but they didn't! I had no problem fighting for my rights when I was young, and now I feel like I don't know how to do that. Even something as simple as picking up a pen to write a poem or a brush to paint or glue to collage, I wonder what will people think or should I "waste my time" on this. OF COURSE I SHOULD, I don't need permission from anyone but me. PArt of my intentions for this blog is to start putting myself out there and to have the courage to just let it be...Below is a poem I wrote about change.
__________________________________________________________
Changes are trying to move through me
do I run and hide or open my eyes to see
Dare to be strong and begin the healing
or lean back on old ways that keep me from feeling
Heart breaking to make room for flow
nurturing myself as the heartspaces grow
__________________________________________________________


Blessings to All..

First day at the beach

I am away with family for the week. Here are some pics from this morning. Crazy NJ Shore weather. THe pictures were taken within an hour of each other! It has been like this all day. I brought my art supplies with me so I can paint with my young niece. She said to me I like to paint but I am not good at it. I replied, there is no bad or good just have fun and don't worry. So young to be feeling your not "good" at something.

HAve a wonderful day...

Peace

Art Video Link

This ARt process video is very cool. Jamie Ridler had it posted on her site, very inspirational. The picture is from a art retreat I was on where we made chimes. The process always amazes me because I feel like it happens from somewhere inside you that bypasses the critical mind and it is a freeing experience.

Enjoy.

http://vimeo.com/5753747

Thought on Free Gift from BlissChick

BlissChick gifted this wonderful poster. She wrote this inspiring manifesto and Heidi from Daisybones created the visuals. I pulled it from Jamie Ridlers website (links below)
Some of my thoughts:
I LOVE the idea of eccentric revolution for wild women. Time for us to break out of others pre-conceived notions of who we are and what we are here to do. I was looking at the images and the words and I felt like writing a poem using the words with some of my thoughts on it. The poem I wrote is below.
_______________________________________________________________
Let's hear it for the Wild Women's Eccentric Revolution
dancing, creating, laughing and loving are all part of the solution
bodies flying free from self imposed cages
with patience and fortitude they reach to turn the pages
no more repression, numbness or apologies are needed
with uniqueness celebrated the Wild Women's Revolution proceeded
______________________________________________________________
Links for where I got the poster and the creators of the poster
http://jamieridlerstudios.ca/
http://www.blisschick.net/2009/08/free-wild-woman-poster-for-all-you-wild.html
http://www.daisybones.com/

Creating IS my meditation

Photo credit: http://motherpeace.com/

I have FINALLY figured something out – the only time I feel truly in the moment and relaxed is when I am creating, be it a poem, an art project, collage or spirit singing, not when I try to sit and be still or count my breaths. I have also figured out that it is up to me to bring more of this into my everyday life, no one is stopping me BUT me.
I believe by allowing more of these moments into my life I will find my way back to center. Blessings to All.

A poem for our creative selves:

Moving to the beat of our creations
sometimes rocks us to our foundations
yet freedom can be found within the making
and happiness is found within the waking
so let's make space in our lives for creating
nothing is stopping us so why are we waiting

Wishcasting Wednesday:What do you wish to make room for?

I wish to make room for patience and compassion especially with myself. I tend to have all the compassion and patience in the world for others, but not myself.

http://jamieridlerstudios.ca/ (for wishcasting prompts)
"Starry night" - VanGogh

Jamie Ridler Studios Prompt - What do you wish to remember:

I wish to remember:
What it is that I was born into this world to do, which has gotten lost in other’s intentions for me.

http://jamieridlerstudios.ca/

image from
http://www.brainygamer.com/photos/uncategorized/2008/04/29/wish_upon_a_star.jpg

Creative Promises made to Self

Ok. So I talk the talk but can I walk the walk. In the next few weeks I will be really allowing myself to delve into my creative side, I truly feel this is what will help me heal and move me further along my path. I will post my art/poems/experiences on this blog. Even if no one reads my blog, it will in a way keep me motivated and accountable to myself.
Here are some links to the sites/books and such that I will be using, I will add more as they come along. Wish me luck on this journey
http:\\www.tnc-12secrets.blogspot.com
http:\\www.artellawordsandar.com
http:\\www.planetsark.com

the picture above is of my retreat sisters who help me keep the faith and encourage me to create!!!

Peace

Passion

Passion - that word has many meanings to different people. Passion be it for a person, your art, food, politics, etc, is a loaded word. Just look at all the definitions:
Main Entry: pas·sion
Pronunciation: \ˈpa-shən\
Function: noun
Etymology: Middle English, from Anglo-French, from Late Latin passion-, passio suffering, being acted upon, from Latin pati to suffer — more at patient
Date: 13th century
1 often capitalized a : the sufferings of Christ between the night of the Last Supper and his death b : an oratorio based on a gospel narrative of the Passion
2 obsolete : suffering
3 : the state or capacity of being acted on by external agents or forces
4 a (1) : emotion (2) plural : the emotions as distinguished from reason b : intense, driving, or overmastering feeling or conviction c : an outbreak of anger
5 a : ardent affection : love b : a strong liking or desire for or devotion to some activity, object, or concept c : sexual desire d : an object of desire or deep interest.

I find it interesting that passion is sometimes associated with suffering why does it have to be that way? I would like to have more passion in my life, I feel I walk around afraid of passion, the fear of being overwhelmed by it, but what put that fear in me I don't know. I think a little passion in our lives can be a good thing. Look at all the people drawn to movies and shows like "True Blood" and "Twilight" and the characters in many romance novels. Or the enjoyment we get out of great music, poetry and art, all done with such passion by the singer, artist or poet. It seems to me like people are drawn to this passion, the intensity of the characters, is it because we lack passion in our own lives or that we feel it is not obtainable or is it our puritanical roots that stop us? We have no problem with violence in this country on tv and movies but put a little passion or a love scene in and people feel it needs to be censored or rated. Well I am going to give myself PERMISSION to add a little passion to my life. Passion for my husband and for my friends and family, passion for my creative pursuits, Passion for LIFE!!

Collage and a poem

I just finished a collage project (please click on the picture to get a bigger view) I was asked to choose words/images that represent me and where I want to be. I went to the bookstore and chose some magazines. I went through them quickly, not dwelling on the process and I choose images and words that appealed to me in that moment. I then chose a center piece from a WeMoon calendar that I had and built around it. I love the center piece, It feels like the girl is on the path and she is trying to decide if she should go forward, that is why I put the word "change" on the path, moving forward will bring change. I also noticed afterwards that I anchored each corner with images of women doing diffent things, breathing, creating, harvesting, and centering. When that was done, I went through all the words put them where I felt they should be, as always I am amazed at this process and how it seems to happen intuitively with seemingly not much thougth, I think that is the creative process, you are in it, in the moment, with not too much critical thought( that comes later;-) I am really happy with the results which I can tell you is unusual for me, I really love it. I hope you enjoy it along with a poem I wrote about being in the moment. Peace
Poem:
Staying in the moment is what it’s all about
It’s the only place where there is no doubt
No worries about past mistakes we made
No thoughts of the future to make us afraid
We can only be sure of the moment we’re in
This is where our journeys can truly begin