Truly this is just about me and my personal feelings.
I am a 43 year old woman who has been married for 15 years and I have no children (by choice or fate I am not sure which) so GASP .. dead silence... that is what I get when I meet complete strangers who don't even know me or my circumstances. And my friends can be tough on the subject as well.
I want to say upfront for full disclosure that I don't have any physical problems with having children other than being out of shape and some health issues like asthma. And I also want to state for the record that I LOVE children, I adore them. I love my friend's children, I love my nieces and nephews so so much. I have no problems with children or with women who decide to have children, I think that is just great for them, I just think I may not be meant to be a mother.
Now is the moment that my friends and complete strangers try to give me the hard sell. Here are some of their comments:
1. you can't realize yourself as a woman until you have children.
2. you are being selfish by not having children
3. you just have to do it, no one is ever ready to have children.
4. why bother getting married if you are not going to have children.
The list goes on so I won't bore you with more, but then these people and by no means is this every person I meet, but it is a fair amount. Then these people go on to tell me the wonders of being a mother and the rewards and such and I have to think to myself, why do these people care if I have children or not, how does it effect their life in any way shape or form, this is what I just don't get. When did it become public opinion if I have children or not, any ideas?
Here are some of my own very personal answers to the above 4 examples:
1. I don't believe I have to have children to be a complete woman, I can nuture and love myself, my animal companions, my friends and family, my community. Maybe not having children opens me up to be available in ways I would not be if I had children.
2. This one just kills me. I am being SELFISH by NOT having children, huh and WHAT!!
I think for me and my situation I am being less selfish by not having children. I have some traumas from childhood and some baggage passed on to me by my parents that I choose not to pass on to the next generation, as they say "the buck stops here". Now that is not to say that there may be a point in the future when I may welcome children into my life via adoption or later in life pregnancy, I just don't know. I just know for now it is not meant to be and why should I be made to feel bad for this.
3. Maybe it is true that sometimes you just have to jump into something. But I think there are many kinds of ready and I am far from being ready and that is just how it is for me, AGAIN what does this have to do with anyone else and their decisions and why do these people want me to join their club so badly.
4. Why wouldn't I get married even if I knew then that I was not going to have children. I love my husband and want to be in a committed relationship with him and for me that included marriage. If children come into a marriage great, if they don't, they don't. My husband has not indicated he wants to get a divorce since we don't have children and we have both been wishy washy on the subject throughout our marriage.
So now you know. I am a married woman with no obvious physical reasons for not having children yet I don't have any. Seriously I know there can be regrets for this decision but for now I only know this is the truth for me at this time and I am trying to be true to myself regardless what society has to say about it. And I wish all those mothers out their much love and happiness with their children.
And as a PS my husband never gets crap from his friends and or strangers about his not having children
Anyway if you are reading this post I thank you for listening and now you know a little bit of my story.
Have a wonderful Sunday.
5 comments:
I have to say your post was very well written and you expressed yourself so eloquently! I believe you are entitled to make your own choices about whether or not to have children so perhaps you should have this post printed and when someone feels the need to tell you how to live your life you should hand them a copy! I have children but would never dream of telling someone else what is right for them, you are making a responsible choice for you and that's all you need to do. It's really no on else's business...I commend you for standing true to yourself!
Thank you very much for your comment Diva, it means alot.
Wow--people you know actually say that??? I guess I'm lucky in having surrounded myself in dog fanatics. They seem to better understand the to-have-or-not-to-have thing about kids. I'm 34 years old with no children. Instead, I have 3 dogs. They fill my life with love and yet allow me the freedom to follow my passions in a way I'm not sure I could if I had children. Like you, I have not made an intentional decision about not having kids (I love them too!), it just seems to be working out this way.
Anyway, from one woman to another--I get ya. ;)
I love my pup also Jessie, she brings alot of love to our lives. I have people I just met question why I don't have kids, I find it so odd that they would care? Thanks much for your comment.
As a woman who in all likelihood is unable to have children, I refuse to think that it is requisite to bear children in order be the fullest self you can be. Every painting is a baby. Every poem is a child. Every act of creation is life you have given the world. If that doesn't make us whole, I don't know what will...
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