Photo: sammiebolas
I have a hard time remembering the moments of joy in my life, they seem so far and few between.. I sometimes wonder if I am just not capable of letting joy and love in.
Have I built a wall of protection so high that they can't scale it. I find myself very agitated and cranky alot of the time. I guess it has not helped that this summer I seem to have one health issue after another, first my stomach, then a month long cold, then I fell twice and hurt my ankle and knee, have you ever had one of those years?!
I find myself dissatisfied with where I am in life, but I am also trying to learn to be ok with the now and work on moving forward but it is hard. I know there is a lot I am grateful for but when I am feeling this way it is hard to retain that gratitude.
I know there are people in situations far worse than mine, but even that sometimes is not a comfort to me.. I am not in their situation and they are not in mine. Though I believe we all share our stories and journeys and we are all connected in some ways that our stories intertwine and we are never truly alone. But I do feel alone so I contradict myself.
I have no problem supporting others on their journeys and being a witness to their struggles and offering love prayer and support to them, so why can't I do the same for myself, I guess that is the big question.
I don't feel worthy of the prayers and the love and I have a hard time letting it in, I can't even receive compliments without feeling uncomfortable with them.
I don't think I was born this way, so somewhere I have gotten off track and I think part of my work is to find my way back on track and start living fully again.
I know the things that have worked and will help such as creating in all forms and eating healthy foods and taking care of my body but I don't always make those choices, I sometimes wonder do I have something invested in staying this way, because why else would I not be making the right choices.
This may sound weird but sometimes I wonder if I have been cursed or like I am carrying generations of hurt and depression. It sounds weird to me as I write it but there it is.
I have to say it has been a help to me to write this blog in some ways even if no one reads it, I am finally releasing some things, even by writing them. I also feel there is a wonderful community out there and I really enjoy reading others blogs and hearing their stories.
I will continue to move forward even though I feel like I am constantly being pushed back. I will.. I will.. I will. I will be healthy and strong, I will be a creative, supportive person to myself and others. I will overcome my old habits and coping methods and replace them with healthier ways of coping. I deservetto be loved and to love and to let joy in my life again. I do, I do, I do..May it be so!
Thanks for listening and please forgive any spelling or grammar errors as I am trying to not self edit.
9 comments:
There is such a thing as Collective Consciousness. We pick it up over lifetimes...it's the beliefs that the world around us shouts at us most often.
When you find yourself wondering how you believe something that may be cursing you or holding you back, that's your spirit telling you it's time to examine what you walk around with imprinted on you that doesn't come from you but that you've picked up along the way.
When you realize that it's not your thought and it's a curse or holding you back, you say i your prayers, "I release myself from the collective consciousness that...." and you fill in the blank.
I release myself from the collective consciousness that compliments and kind words feed my Ego and make me less than.
I release myself from the collective consciousness that Ego is a bad thing and should be avoided.
I release myself from the collective consciousness that to seek joy and feel blissful is wrong or sinful.
You get the idea. Try working with that this week. See where it takes you.
Blessings on your journey. And remember, you are feeling now as an oyster feels when grains of sand have invaded its interior and is now helping the oyster to make the most beautiful of gems...a pearl.
I believe that we can take on the world's negative energy and we need to push it away. Yes, we can carry our own darkness but we absolutely do not need anymore from anyone else. Have you tried doing cleansings? You can always email me for more ideas. Thank you for sharing your story and for reaching out. I hope that we both get to jump feet first into a happy future.
Thank you both for the feedback and suggestions I am going to try them both.
Wishing us all happy futures.
I so understand your feelings...I too have often fallen into this trap. It can be a dark and lonely place. I know you are much younger than I am (53 yrs) but could it be you are entering Peri-menopause??? I have been in full menopause for several years and I can tell you it's like having an out of body experience. Who is this person I've become, where is the carefree woman I knew??? So many ups and downs and too many emotions too explain here. E-mail me if you'd like...we can commiserate together!
I, too, as you know feel that I self-sabotage myself in order to keep me in the same place I am now. I manipulate and control situations so that there is no possible outcome but an unfavorable one; i put people in these situations such that they MUST hurt me.
In order to get out of this, I am doing an exercise to calm my fear. I am afraid of being happy. I am afraid of things going well. Instead, I spend time visioning myself happy, free, and light. What am I doing? What do I see? Inevitably I see no horror, no detriment, no unfavorable outcomes...
So in a way it is a goal setting exercise. It is a mirror moment. It is an intention exercise. Say it out loud. Set your intention. Do it every day. It can be a very powerful process.
"Cause there's a shortcut down the beaten path
One step to the right, three to the left
The moon's so high
The wind's so fast
Makes us feel like goddesses"
Love you!!
Thanks Diva and Leigh,
I am 43 so I may be entering peri-menapause which I am sure does not make things better.
And I fear happiness, why? I don't know but I feel I am ready to try for it...
blogging is a great way to release and the community is a wonderful support system. Continued growth and healing.
You are so right Anna!
Hi Karen,
Checking out your blog on a lazy Saturday:) Do you know the work of Bert Hellinger? Seems like something you might enjoy knowing about:
http://www.hellingerpa.com/constellation.shtml
My stepmother did a lot of work with family constellations and I benefitted greatly from it. Just a thought...
Take care! -Liz
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